The Story of Monster Beach

…the most inhospitable bit of ocean on Earth, lies a chain of islands uncharted by any cartographer and avoided by all but the most daring or foolhardy of explorers. Very few men have been brave enough to pierce the unceasing storm that hovers over these deadly waters, and fewer still have returned alive to tell the tale, but for those that seek the forbidden, if you listen closely in the bars and watering holes of the South Pacific, you may hear a hushed whisper exchanged between the most wizened and grizzled sailors, “Moto Taiporo,” or island of the demons, roughly translated from Rapa Nui by their nearest neighbors at the southernmost shores of Moto Nui in the Easter Islands. Those who know of these forbidden islands hold their secrets close to their chests, hoping to save others from a terrible fate, but if you offer these wizened sailors a Kraken’s Pearl or two, you may just loosen their lips enough that they will tell you their tales.

There are many islands in this forbidden chain: to the north, the lava-drenched ruins of Ile Lincoln sit below the volcano that wiped it from the map; on an unnameable island to the south the ice-touched mountains and the Plateau of Leng tower above the sunken ruins of R’lyeh; but the strangest and most bone-chilling tales revolve around the central island of the chain, Moto Taiporo. Mariners tell of ships gone missing, bodies found in the surrounding water under the strangest conditions: drained of blood, half-eaten as if by a great beast, or worse, embalmed alive.

Throughout history, many attempts to rescue those that have crashed near the island have been made, along with attempts to contact the inhabitants themselves, but the missing sailors were never found and attempts at contact were met with deadly force the likes of which can not be described in proper company. Those lucky few that returned from their journeys through its waters raved like madmen about the things they had seen – men turning into bats in the moonlight, great hairy beasts with fangs and claws walking on two legs, strange humanoid creatures with fish-like features, clothing seemingly walking around on its own, beautiful women walking beside shambling figures with corpse-like complexions and flattened craniums. Monsters, they called them.

Early attempts at payment by the inhabitants included the bodies of bats and piles of teeth among other unsavory offerings. No one is sure how the smugglers communicated that what they were after wasn’t this viscera, but the sweet tropical fruits that grew only on this most dangerous island. Somehow after a bit of trial and error, a few casualties, and an immeasurable amount of rhum, they were able to source and acquire the mysterious and delicious fruits that became their secret ingredients, used to mix legendary exotic beverages for the most discerning adventurers, such as the Lapu-Lapu Lagoon.

These tales spread through word of mouth from culture to culture, but the origin of these monsters remained hidden from all but the most intrepid of explorers.

Most thought these sailors were crazy, driven mad by the sea and the weather (and the drink), but those that made the South Pacific their home knew better. Some brave souls had even established a rudimentary trade system with the island’s inhabitants; it seemed that after plundering shipwrecks for centuries, the inhabitants of Moto Taiporo had developed quite the taste for rhum. Smugglers would sail in and leave barrels of rhum on the shore. When they returned in the morning, the barrels would be gone and payment left in their place.

No one, save those offering rum, ever escaped the monsters’ wrath, that is….until Fred. Fred was your average slacker. A bumbling, accident-prone buffoon, but loveable to a fault. One fateful spring break, Fred ventured out of his home in Fredonia, on a trip to Easter Island to, as he put it, ”Surf with those big heads”...And surf Fred did!

…That is, until a riptide pulled him straight out to sea. He thought he was done for, but after floating through a graveyard of crashed spaceships, he washed up on the shores of Moto Taiporo. The inhabitants soon found him, with intent to feast on his tender flesh, but when presented with his happy-go-lucky demeanor and carefree accepting attitude, well, they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it. The Monsters of Moto Taiporo soon accepted Fred as one of their own. As Fred learned their ways, their ingredients, their foods, and their culture, they learned about human culture from Fred…

...or, at least, they learned about Fred’s culture.

When spring break was over, and it was time for Fred to return home, the monsters found they had grown quite attached to the little guy! So with dreams in their twisted black hearts of surf wax and electric guitars, of cold beer and happy hours that never end, the monsters decided to pack their things and follow Fred back to Fredonia, NY to found their very own home away from home:

Monster Beach Brewery and Tiki Bar - the world’s number one abomination vacation destination!